Cheers to 2010

I never make New Years Resolutions. In fact, the only time I think about them is generally at what ever celebration I am attending. Someone always asks what my resolutions are so I think about it for a moment. I end up spouting off one or two things that I have no real intention to keep up, but that sound good for the sake of having a resolution, as meaningless as it might be. I don’t make resolutions with any real intention because I know I will fail at them. But regardless of resolutions, 2010 has brought me many wonderful things. It’s a year I will cherish. So here’s to you 2010, you were quite good to me.

-A year ago today, I went to my first real party. By real, I mean the kind where alcohol is illegally served and everyone hopes the neighbors don’t call the cops. Admittedly it was dumb of me to go, but I learned a lot because of it. I learned that  the world won’t come crashing down on my head when I rebel. I learned that the rebellious life is not as glamorous as I had thought.

-I had my wisdom teeth taken out. I sat around eating mac n cheese and soup with my b/f who also had his wisdom teeth taken out the same week. We were really cute with our ice packs wrapped around our faces. I’m glad we did it together.

-I made a pi day t-shirt.

-I skipped a week of school, an exam, a major quiz and work, to go to Maui with my friend Bethany and her mom. It was the single most spontaneous thing I’ve ever done. Bethany called me at 6pm Monday night, and we were on a plane by 11am Tuesday morning. I saw whales swimming in the pacific ocean, and I swam underneath a waterfall off the road to Hana. I rode in a convertible for the first time too. It was a red mustang.

-I saw a wonderful guy graduate college, become a stronger man of God, and excel in a new career that he loves. He lavished grace and love on me at the very time you would expect him to do the opposite. I was blessed by him.

-I learned to speak a different language. Sort of. I took Italian classes for no reason other than I wanted to learn the language. This venture got me a best friend and took me all the way to Italy for 7 weeks. One of the best trips I’ve ever taken. I got to spend two weeks with my mom just the two of us in Rome and Florence. We had a blast and I learned so much more about her. I saw the Colosseum and the Vatican, and David, and so many other amazingly beautiful things. I strolled the Tuscan countryside, and had allergic reactions to horses. I drank wine with my mom and my friends. I lived in an apartment in Cefalu Sicily. I became facebook friends with Tiziano, the guy who runs the market around the corner from where I lived. I swam in the Mediterranean Sea. I touched a jellyfish. I danced in an Italian night club. I ate lots of pasta. I climbed a ridge of Mt. Etna, Europe’s most active volcano.  I got on the wrong train and ended up in the train graveyard.

-I learned the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. I learned how hard it is to decide to be alone.

-I put serious intention behind making friends, building relationships and rekindling old ones.

-I got to be a bridesmaid in a wedding. I saw Cera Reibenstien become Cera Jaso.

-I visited Pittsburgh for the first time, and spent a few days with wonderful friends and their beautiful children. Just barely made it on a flight back home. Got the last seat on the plane in first class.

-I finally decided what I want to work towards in life and what career I want to pursue.

-I wrote letters.

-I passed an accounting class.

-I got a new job. I got a big girl job. It was a scary step to take but it played out and I’m so glad I did it. I love this job and I’m learning so much about the industry as a whole. School and work switched places on my priority list this year.

-I went on a date with a stranger to a jazz club in Dallas. It was awesome. He turned out to be an ass.

-My beliefs have been strengthened and my passions for Christ have increased substantially through 2010.

-I found a little hole in the wall coffee shop that has become my home away from home. I love it, and it’s people. I spend way to much time there.

-I turned 21. Went to Austin with my brother and a few friends and had a blast. I spent time with Kelsey and got to see her home at UT. I can buy a drink when I feel like it at a restaurant.

-I found a church home. I’ve been searching for almost 3 years now. Attending different places for periods of time. But by the grace of God I have finally landed where I need to be and I have found peace there. 2011 will bring community and belonging I hope.

-I sang Karaoke.

-I survived a period of extreme insecurity and came out with a deep longing for Christ.

 

Excuse me for just a moment and please allow me to revert back to the oh so mature years of middle school. I hope you read this.

• You are inspirational. You are gifted and know how to love others like the Lord loves.
• I am glad that our journeys have brought us back together. I treated you poorly, you deserved a better more loving friend then I could be at the time. I love you though, and I look forward to repairing our friendship
• You are a pompous, pretentious, self-righteous ass-hole. And those are the nice things I have to say to you.
• You used me, but I let you, and it annoys me that you lied.
• I appreciate having had you in my life more than you will ever know.  I understand it, but I wish this could look different. I will never have a negative thing to say about you.
• Thank God you are in my life again. You have taken me under your wing and embraced me into your group and have been such a huge part in my recovery.
• I wish you would stop texting me
• I wish you would text me
• I don’t like you, but I like the feeling of flirting with you….it’s a problem.

Thank you….I will now return to my proper age and maturity level. Yep.

Dear Mike,

I’ve never met you, though I see you quite often. I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate you and what you are doing with your life. You see, you run this little joint which you have so wonderfully named after yourself and the fact that you are quite large. I love that place, your place. It offers me so much. A place to study when I just can’t focus in my house. Amazing, free trade coffee grown in Ft. Worth. 24/7 access so that I can spend way too much of my night in my little booth across from the ocean scene mural painted on your wall. You offer people that I would otherwise never talk to like Brandon, Moon, and Trace the baristas, or people like James the homeless guy, Taylor the middle class suburban white guy who has limitless knowledge of Zimbabwe, or the countless other intensely interesting folks I’ve met in your shop. I’ve found a home here; a place to call myself a regular. A place where some people actually know my name. So thank you Mike, you’re the best. Big Mike’s coffee shop….a hundred million times better than starbucks…and they have better coffee too!

Is it wrong for me pray to God to change an area of my life, when I really openly don’t want that area to change? I know that this one particular area should change, but my flesh idolizes it and loves it and clings to it. I do not desire change. I desire to be blissfully unaware of my sin. But I am aware and I have prayed that God will change my heart towards it. But I should put some effort into that endeavor shouldn’t I? But then who am I but a wretched soul incapable of transforming my own life.  He must do a work in me. He must prune the sin out of my life and hold my hand like a child who would run into a dangerous street if let go. But i WANT to run into that street. I love that place. I love that sin. I am a sinner, there is no doubt about it. And though I hate that God is putting up road blocks in my life making access to my favored sin much more difficult and blatantly obvious, I am somewhat relieved. Because I will fail. But He is sovereign and He is merciful, and He desires my attentions.  I’m paying attention Lord. I am aware of your hand over life. I rebel against it, yet find an awkward comfort in knowing that you haven’t given me over.

Epic Adventures

Where do I start? My life since I’ve been home from Italy has been filled with a total blur of chaos and moments of extreme boredom. It’s been one extreme or the other. But to sum up, God is good, life is fun and exciting and I love the new people that God has brought into my life. Wednesday August 25th– Thursday August 26th was one of those blurred chaotic times.  Wednesday started no big deal. I went to work at my new real estate job at 10 and left at 6 all is well there. I get home, eat some pizza and watch transformers 2 with my daddy. Then I decide to go work out with my lovely friend Breana. But that never happened. Instead we spent about an hour talking about our Creator in Heaven and his sovereignty. Then went to play lava tag and sardines at a park with a few other cool people. I love playing these games with these people. SO much fun. Then we went to Big Mikes coffee shop and stayed there until 5am. We met many wonderful people. Firstly we met James. James is a homeless man who thinks his prison offender ID card is cool so he showed it to us. James thinks people are cool is they love God, but he doesn’t really know anything about who God is. He is a vendor of a newspaper called Street Zine that spreads information about the homeless situation in the dfw area. He gave us one of his newspapers before he left. James was a cool dude. So then we proceeded to play the crossword puzzle in the newspaper. This in itself was an epic event of the night. My friend Chase was really into this crossword puzzle but we all sucked at it and hardly got any of the answers. He got really frustrated and crumpled it up and through it to the ground. Chase went outside for a bit, and while he was gone I found the answers to the puzzle on another page of the newspaper! So when came back we told him that we figured some of them out and we were on a roll! He got SO excited and super into it. So he’s reading out the hints and man we are just spitting out these awesome answers and he doesn’t have a clue! He really should have caught on but he was so into it that he was oblivious to all our laughter and obvious cheating. Anyway throughout the course of this puzzle we met Matt, Michael, and Brandon the Barista all of whom were in on the joke too! When we finished the puzzle Chase was convinced that WE were awesome, HE was awesome and that he needed to go buy a book of crossword puzzles because the five of us were all B.A. We all autographed the puzzle, including Matt, Michael and Brandon lol!

Later we ended up having a conversation with Brandon the barista who is a reiki healing master. He told us all about this “spiritual act of reiki” and his views on God and religion. We talked to him for about 2 hours. It was really interesting because this is a guy who has read parts of the bible, and according to him believes in God the Creator and his son Jesus. But the line between Truth, and the deception that he believes is such a small blur. He didn’t disagree with anything we said about God, but his mind twists it into this Jesus is in everyone and everybody can find the love within themselves and we just need to love each other kind of spirituality. He was a really cool guy, but so lost within false doctrine. I loved chatting with him. But nevertheless the night went on. At the end of that conversation we decided to go back to the apartment and hangout cause school was starting in a few hours. But then we were hungry so we went to chick fil a and waited outside till they opened at 630am! I didn’t go home until 845 am Thursday morning. It was on of the best nights of my life. But then came school….I had classes till 7 pm. Gross. It sucked and I was sort of a zombie but totally worth it. And then Breana and I went to go see Despicable Me at 930. Then, and only then, after the whole day was done and all the adventure was over did I go to sleep. It was wonderful.  Thank our Lord for the rest we have in sleep, but also the fellowship we have within each other and the love he has for us.

I feel like I just cant talk to you right now. You’re just to public, to well known, to transparent. I can’t commit to you right now. I can’t give you my all. I can’t pour my heart into you and into our relationship together. WordPress, I’m not ready for you just yet. Maybe someday we can reconnect.

Sono Tornato

I’ve returned. Yes, my 6 week hiatus from life in America is over and now I’m back to reality. It’s strange. This place is so familiar and yet I look at it differently. I read through the list of goals I had for the summer and thought about them, both successes and failures. I did alot of things the wrong way while I was gone. I lost sight of my original goals, and I adopted new ones.  I learned alot about myself as I was discovering that I hardly new myself at all. I forgot to let God lead me or teach me but he did anyway. Right now it’s too close, I can’t quite process it all because there just isn’t enough distance for hindsight yet, but I look forward to that.

Gone for the Summer

Hello dear friends,

As you know I am gone to Italy for the summer, and I will be back in July. Until then I plan to keep a very detailed personal journal, rather than this blog. In theory I will blog about the highlights of my trip when I get back, but we all know that promise may or may not come true. I will miss you dear friends. If you want to be able to reach me, facebook or email is the best way to do so as I will check it as often as I have internet access.

Today is May 5th. (Just in case you weren’t aware) Twenty days from today is May 25th.  Forty-Seven days from then is July 11th. So in short: Today/ Italy/Home.

Here my list of goals for this summer, as promised.

-Speak the Language: I know a fairly good amount of Italian already. I was fortunate enough to have a good, albeit frustrating, professor that was able to teach us well. However, of the Italian I know, I don’t actually speak it very well. I can read it, and decipher it, but that is what most of my practice has been. I really haven’t had much experience actually speaking the language. Infact, when I do, it’s quite the chore. My plan for this summer to really take every opportunity to speak. I have to forget that I know how to communicate in english for 47 days. If I don’t it will only be a crutch.

-Disappear: I am a product of my generation in that I do not know life with out today’s fast paced technology. I cannot comprehend how people survived in the days without a cell phone in their pocket whenever they needed it, or without having google available via wifi at every hot spot. I grew up with it. But while I’m in Cefelu I will not have a phone. This isn’t that I won’t be able to call home, but that I also will not have access to make local calls to my fellow group members. I’ll just have to figure it out. Also, I will not be taking my netbook. I will have internet access via internet cafes, but I’m going to try to limit my use of this to about twice a week. I realize this will be difficult for me to not have easy access to those I love back home, but I’m only going to experience this once. Sure I may go back in the future, but that’s a different experience, with different people at a different time. I want to disappear from America and live and experience everything I possibly can while I’m gone.

-Limit Emotional Meltdowns: If you know me at all, you know I will break down and cry at least once while I’m there. The stress of being an alien and disconnected from my comfort zone will get to me I’m sure. But I’m trying to be pro-active about it and prepare myself to be able to handle the culture shock with out a total breakdown.

-Learn: Not just the language. I want to be open to learning everything God has to teach me through this experience. I want to learn about myself, about Him, about others. I want to learn about Italian culture; big city and small southern a like. I think this experience has a huge potential for growth and I want to make the most of it.

-Return with Joy: I can see myself spending 47 wonderful, magical, exciting days in Italy and then returning back to Texas meeting it with bitterness. But this would be the worst way to end my trip. I want to make a conscious effort to be joyful about where I live, the job I have, and the life I lead here.

It’s early in the morning and I need coffee and strength. Today marks two weeks of school left, and three weeks of America left. I’m scared. I’m scared that I don’t have it in me to finish the semester out strong. I’m scared that I don’t have enough time to be prepared for Italy. I’m scared that even if I had another year I would never be prepared for Italy. I’m scared because I know I’m leaving all of my comforts and everything I’ve ever known behind. I’m going to be an alien among them. A stranger who doesn’t know their ways. I know there’s a lesson to be learned here, probably about putting my fears aside and trusting His guidance. I have one arm stretched out to Him saying Yes Lord, but the other is still clinging to fear not willing to let go.  Father, will you give me the peace that surpasses all understanding? I’d take that over coffee if I had to choose.